My Testimony I want to share with the world.

Camp this year was sooo different. It wasnt the same. Thats a good thing though:) The services we're so amazing and the activities we super fun! I hada blast! I also really really enjoyed spending the WHOLE WEEK with Tyler!:) It went by waaay to fast though and I wish we didnt have to leave:(

For the past couple of years I have been going through the toughest trial I have ever been through in my whole life. I was literally fighting to stay alive. Physicaly and Spiritualy. the flame that God had set in my heart years ago had slowly started to die and fade and I no longer felt like he loved me. I felt abandoned and alone. I didnt understand why God would let these kinds of things happen to his children and why he would let them hurt so bad. I felt like giving up and really didnt care if I lived or not. I was going to kill myself at the beggining of the year and not even tell anyone cause, well, I really just didnt care. But then I thought about the friends and family I would leave behind. And I did fear going to hell so I decided not to do it. After that I still hurt inside and then decided to start cutting. I would hide in my room and find the sharpest knife I could because I thought the sharper it was the worse the pain and the less I would hurt on the inside. So I would cut two or three times a day, maybe more just so I would keep myself from crying because I use to think that crying would show your weak and the last thing I wanted to show the world was that I was weak. I then went into a great depression and started not to eat because I thought I was fat and I didnt look like the other skinny girls. I couldnt pray, I couldnt sing, I couldnt even play my guitar or write any songs. My passion for God was gone. My passion for anything I loved was gone. I didnt even think I could ever love anyone again. I didnt even love myself. And sad to say I made some really bad choices and did somethings Im not proud of that had some bad results. And this week at camp I still struggled with everything. i would stand in worship and just cry because I couldnt feel God and all I wanted was just to know he loved me. Just to feel his love. I started to talk to my big brother Andrew(not my blood brother.) about some things I was going through and I started to talk to Tyler about them. Adn on thursday night they both prayed with me and I finally gave in. I couldnt take the pain anymore. I gave myself to God. And Friday night during worship I heard him say so clearly "I love you. I always have and I always will" I finally heard my father in heavens voice. After all these years without feeling him or knowing he still loved me no matter what choices I made I had finally heard my Daddy say "I love you" And it was like a warm blanket had been put around my shoulders and then tears started to run down my face. I still felt liek there was something inside of my that wasnt right so I decided to talk to my spiritual parents, Scott and Brenda Gillum. They helped me realize that its not all about feelings. Christianity comes from the heart, not the mind. Dont think and try to figure it out because all you will do is confuse yourself liek I did. So I just let go and let God take control and started to worship God for forgiving my stupidity. So I gave my heart back to God and started a new chapter of my life. One that has no wrong doings and no pain. Yes I do have scars that remind me of my past but scars are a memory of what God has brought me through. And I have a new song I wrote called "My everything" and it tells my lifes testamony and I pray that this song will help the poeple who have or are going through the things I have been through and let them know that they are not alone. I have been where they are and it is much easier to go through it with someone by yourside. So If there is anyone that has read this that needs someone to talk to or just be there for them, I will be more than happy to listen. I will give you my number so we can stay in touch. And I pray that God would give me the right words that woudl encourage you to stay close to him and that he WILL love you no matter what!